What have we done?
by Pebblez24
Summary: Could Arizona really ask for something so detrimental to her and Calliope's relationship? First fanfic on here, and first Calzona fic. If it had remained a oneshot it would have stayed A&M but now ongoing is a A&C pairing.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I like everyone else own nothing :(**

**

* * *

**

"Arizona?" came the confused voice. She was stood with tear streaks down her pink cheeks, her eyes were sad and pleading, "come in... How long? What's the matter?" in the moment, why she was crying and on his doorstep was more important than how long she had been there. He'd found her crumpled on the ground to the right hand side of his door, he had been heading out when he heard her sniffle. He had only witnessed her crying once and that was when she was threatening the chief about Bailey, she hadn't acknowledged that he had been watching and neither had ever mentioned it. It was only after a conversation with Callie did he learn about her authority issues.

"We had a fight" she sniffled through the sentence. Arizona had only been back in Seattle one month. Her and Callie's relationship hadn't developed or really been a relationship. Arizona spent her time trying to convince Callie to hear her out, while Callie walked away and refused to allow her the time. They both knew what they were doing to the other, they both supported miserable expressions and such exhausted looks. It would be hard to miss the effect this was having.

Callie had wanted Arizona back so much, Mark knew this more than anyone, he knew how much it hurt her when she left, how much she wanted her back and yet her principle in not taking her back seemed absurd to him. She was hurting them both on principle. But it was three days ago she had managed to break Arizona completely, she played on her strongest insecurity of their relationship. She told her that she had slept with Mark.

Mark was unsure why she had told Arizona this. He knew she hadn't enjoyed it and thought about Arizona the whole time which didn't bother him as much as it should. They both willingly used each other to try and forget their respective ex-partners. So why had Callie told her? There were only two reasons in his opinion... To hurt her... or to relieve her guilt. Callie hadn't said it directly but to some extent Mark believed she wouldn't take Arizona back because she had slept with him. So by telling Arizona in the middle of a work day was either her being selfish or selfless... at least she had said it behind closed doors.

The only evidence that something new had occurred between Callie and Arizona was that Arizona looked completely broken and with no hope sparkling in her eyes, while Callie looked even more miserable if possible. Callie had refused to talk to him about it and asked for space.

And now the seemingly most broken half of the couple was at his door, up until now he hadn't wondered what the seemingly unfixable fallout had been over but in her few words guilt hit him harder than he realised it would. "She told me you slept together when I left." Mark moved away from the doorway and allowed Arizona to pass through. They headed over to the couch, he hadn't seen anyone look so defeated before. "The reason I didn't like you was because I felt threatened. I didn't know how people could keep having sex with you despite being aware of your Casanova lifestyle, even Callie, but you are her best friend so I had to accept you. But I never stopped wondering if she would ever cheat on me with you..."

She would have continued, but Mark interrupted, he wanted to appease her insecurities even though the inevitable had already happened. "You know Callie's opinion on cheating, why would you think she would ever do that to you? And technically what we did wasn't cheating it was more..."

She let out a sob interrupting him from his explanation "no Mark! I really do not want to hear the circumstances of why and how you two came to have..." She stopped herself when she looked back up at Mark, she was unsure about his expression, confusion, guilt, unease? "How can you pass judgement or understand if you don't let us explain?" Arizona looked astonished "Callie didn't offer an explanation, I haven't seen her in 3 days, that's all the explaining I need, I do however need your help. "

Mark sighed. "You really should hear an explanation from one of us and what the circumstances were before and after, what do you need help with?"

She seemed to look unsure now, Mark seemed so sincere in wanting her to understand and she couldn't help feeling she was missing something important. "Will you help me or not? Then I might let you explain your side of the events." Mark nodded, he would help, she sighed with relief. Then she spoke and it took his breath away, caused his mouth to drop into his stomach with such weight he felt sick.

"I want you to have sex with me"

"Arizona! What? No! Why would you ask something like that, you have never been with a guy, you are gay always have been always will be, your words not mine. Are you crazy? Do you have any idea of what you're asking? What this would do to Callie?"

Arizona's expression betrayed her anxiety "I know what I am asking Mark, and you've already said you would help" her voice was calm except the lapse in her last word in which he was sure he heard her whimper. "Arizona you really don't want this? Why are you even asking?"

"Because I want to understand the fascination, it's not so much the fact that you are a man, more this unexplainable pull all these women seem to be caught up in, what Callie seems to be pulled to you by..."

"Arizona you should really hear me out first in regards to Callie and I, you will change your mind after..."

"No!" she gasped "no matter what you say I will always wonder, I will always ask myself what it is that women are attracted to, what Callie gets from your relationship. And although Callie and I may never get a chance again... even if we did, I would spend my time wondering if she would eventually go back to you" there it was again, her insecurity over Mark, her biggest insecurity in regards to her Calliope.

"Callie and I will never be together like that again, I am in love with Lexie, I really want things to work between us and I have every hope they will, that I will settle down and live happily ever after, in which Callie and I having sex again will never be an issue."

"Mark, it really doesn't matter what you say about possibilities, I am still asking you for this."

"Arizona..."

"Please" there was definitely a whimper in her voice and Mark took everything he had to look up at her, to look into her eyes, only to witness the solitary tear running down her cheek, to witness the pleading he could see in her eyes. How could she be asking this of him, of anyone.

"Arizona, I am a man, you've never done this before, have you even used..." he really didn't have an issue with sex or anything relating to sex, but in this situation and with this woman he couldn't seem to articulate what he wanted to say.

"Yeah, I have... once when I was younger, curious and experimental" her cheeks flushed a little, it wasn't really an experience she had enjoyed, it more solidified her sexual orientation and her preference of toys.

"And by the looks of it you've never tried it again, which is why you don't want to do this"

"Mark it is not about you having a penis, it's about you!"

This didn't make all that much sense to him, his skills were all to do with his penis, it was his best asset, well to be honest the Sloan Method was exceptional also, but Callie had said hands down the Robbins Method was a winner. And since Arizona couldn't exactly perform the act on herself, then the Sloan Method from the original Sloan would be an experience of its own

"ok"

"What?"

"I said ok, but honestly Arizona you better know what you are asking, you better be prepared for my explanation of... just, are you sure this is really what you want?" She nodded, he sighed. This was going to be an experience neither of them would forget. How would they ever explain this to Callie, in all hope she would never have to know, but it was extremely unlikely that Arizona or Mark would be able to stand the guilt.

* * *

He leaned forward into her personal space, her heart was beating so fast in anticipation but almost to the extent she was starting to panic. He stopped and looked down into her eyes, all he could do to sooth her was place his hand on her cheek and wait until he saw a flicker of determination in her eyes. He continued his movements until his lips met hers. There was no way they could just throw themselves into having sex and if he was honest he didn't want to scare or hurt Arizona. He was so used to seeing her confident and sure of herself, that this new vulnerability and the trust she was placing in him seemed to make him respect all the more.

She tasted sweet, her lips were soft and he was almost carried away by the sensation, his tongue swiped across her bottom lip and she opened her mouth to him. In that moment he was jealous, jealous of Callie for having experienced this, then guilty for being jealous because he knew what this was going to do to Arizona and what it would do to Callie if she found out. He pulled away with a sad smile on his lips. Arizona pressed her lips back together and opened her eyes to him. His mouth was so different in comparison to Calliope's or any other women she had kissed, they always seemed to taste sweeter, but Mark tasted distinctly of tooth paste and mouth wash and she found herself wondering what his natural taste was.

His eyes were asking her once again if she was sure and the only thing she could do was nod and lean back up to his mouth of her own accord. This appeased his anxieties to which he continued. He ran his hand down from her left shoulder to her hand; once again he pulled away and led her to his bedroom. She walked behind him in trepidation, and he wasn't walking anymore confidently than she was. Once inside he closed the door and nodded

Arizona in the direction of his bed. Usually he wouldn't have an issue with just approaching a woman and taking her clothes off, lavishing her skin with his kisses as it was exposed, but right now he was uncertain of what to do and uncharacteristically felt the need to ask.

"Arizona how do you want to do this? I mean... usually I don't have an issue with this kind of thing, but this is you and I don't know..." he sighed and looked anywhere but at her, all he could feel was both their anxieties and an air of vulnerability about them both. More her than him. She had never been naked in front a man, let alone allowed one to touch her intimately.

"Just do what you would usually do..." she shook her head unable to express anymore, sure she was aware of her own anxieties and to be honest she probably had more than even she was aware of, but the most pressing for her was letting him touch her.

"slowly..."

There was another one. He nodded his head and moved over to her where she was seated at the end of his bed. He knelt down in front of her and started to remove her knee high boots. Up until this point he hadn't really took note of what she was wearing but now he knew. His awareness of her and her body was more pronounced because it was her, yeah sure he knew how most women felt and to the most it was rather similar, but this woman was different and he was more aware of both himself and her than ever before.

Once both boots were removed he leaned back up to kiss her. In that moment he made it a rule to kiss her after removing any item from her. Even her guard, which kept her stiff when he touched her.

He stood up slowly and kicked off his own shoes and his jacket, the removed hers. He kissed her again for longer than when he removed her boots. He nodded his head in order to motion her to move back up the bed. She looked over her shoulder and slowly slid further up the bed. She would have gone all the way to the headboard but she felt his hand clasp the back of her left thigh to stop her moving higher. They were both aware of where his hand was placed and though it wasn't overly sexual it still caused them both to gasp. He moved further towards and she understood he wanted her to lie down and she did. She settled onto her back and felt him settle his body over hers.

He currently had his right thigh between hers, she knew he was not resting all his weight on her, more to his left and her right. She took in a deep breath as he shifted to settle snuggle between her thighs, chest to chest and he kissed her again.

She parted her thighs a little more in order to provide a more comfortable position for them both, pelvis to pelvis she became aware of their arousal. Sure she wasn't overly aroused like when she had a woman or when Callie pressed against her, but the pressure of his body and the slight pulse she felt through both their pants allowed her to feel a tingle. Their kiss lasted a while, but they needed to get through this.

Mark ran his right hand over her stomach and left hip. Slowly he sank his hand below her top and pushed it to crumple under her breasts revealing the pale bare skin of her stomach. His lips had wandered down her neck to her weak spot. Had she allowed herself to forget that it was Mark touching her she swore she would have believed it was Callie. This specific spot had only been found when she started dating Callie, and thoughts of Callie allowed Mark's ministrations to develop without much notice on her behalf. She felt him shift to his knees, but still leaning over her. His mouth had journeyed to her stomach where both his hands were clutching on either side.

She gulped and he felt her stomach shake. He looked at her and she knew she had to trust him. If she wanted this to happen she needed to believe he wasn't going to hurt her, that he would be gentle and even affectionate. And again she only saw sincerity in his eyes. She arched her stomach and then her chest off the bed enabling Mark to remove her top. She found herself being grateful that she was wearing quite nice underwear and if she remembered correctly they were actually matching for once. She didn't understand completely why but she found this a relief. Mark smiled at her heaving chest and settled his hands back to her sides. Leaning down to kiss her as he had promised himself, he ran his right hand up to cup her breast. To both their astonishment she moaned into his mouth, it wasn't loud or overly sexual, it just was what it was. Truthfully she probably wouldn't have a problem with any of this as long as she kept her eyes closed. The true problems would only start when he penetrated her.

Feeling a bit useless, maybe not useless but she wasn't usually this inactive in sex and in order to feel a bit more confident and in control she knew she had to participate. Being a gold star lesbian she had never felt a man's body and this was her opportunity to explore it fully.

Whilst being aware of his hands slipping behind her back to unclasp her bra, she wasn't really ready to have him look at her breasts so bluntly, so once her hands settled on his hips they began to wander. At first she felt him through his top, she even clutched at the back of his neck to make the kiss more passionate and ask him to remain where he was. Without words he knew and obeyed her request. Slowly she moved her hands under his top and massaged the skin on his back. They both moaned slightly as he massaged one of her breasts under his hand and she dug her nails into his back in response.

He let out a throaty but subtle laugh to which Arizona rolled her eyes, but he felt a small grin press against his lips. He took the opportunity to stop both ministrations and look at her. She was beautiful and even through her clothing and scrubs he knew she had a nice body, just as much as she knew he was handsome and finely built considering the amount of times she'd seem he topless it was difficult to ignore.

She moved to pull his top over his head, causing them both to sit up. Now she had no choice but to let him look at her bare chest, she really had nothing to worry about, Mark wasn't judging he was admiring. Deciding it would be easier if they were both kneeling she shifted to her knees in front of him. Figuring the rule counted for him too he once again kissed her, kissing seemed to be easier than talking, they could keep their eyes shut and just get carried away by the sensation.

Admittedly it was odd for Arizona to feel her chest come into contact with another bare chest without breasts. His chest was sturdy and hard against hers, but since she was a breast woman she instinctually felt the loss "I have to tell you Mark up until now I was fine but your lack of breasts is definitely a missed attribute, if only you had a pair" They both had to laugh at that, and it eased some of the tension the new position had brought.

Mark slipped his hands under her arms and behind her back bringing her securely back into his embrace, against his chest for another kiss. Her arms instinctually flew around his neck where her hands worked their way into his hair. Everything about this was new and odd for her where as Mark was obviously very used to being with a woman. She wasn't going to deny that she was aroused by his touch and the sensations of flesh against flesh but the constant awareness that he was in fact a guy and not a woman wouldn't leave her thoughts. And why would it? she knew she was an out and out lesbian and she had to remind herself why she was doing this... to understand?

Mark moved his hands down her back to her hips, to her bum. He pulled her lower half towards him, where they both felt his arousal.

"Ari... I'm... I'm going to..." They both took in a deep breath as his hands moved their way slowly to her belt, he undid it slowly and sensually, moving onto the button of her jeans, she drew her stomach in, he lowered the zip and then pressed her back onto the bed. Rather than move on top of her again he stayed to her right. Not entirely sure whether he should just go for it or not he decided to kiss her at the same time as slowly but firmly sliding his hands into her jeans but not her knickers. Her pelvis lifted of its own accord and shifting his hand further over her, where his fingers laid firmly in front of her entrance with only the flimsy material preventing penetration.

They both gasped and being this much closer to actually being intimate with each other, this brought all her anxieties back. A flood of tears came from her eyes. Neither of them had moved, though as Mark made to remove his hand she stopped him.

"If you stop now I won't be able to continue."

"Maybe we shouldn't... Ari please let me explain" there it was again he never called her Ari, she was used to Rollergirl or blondie, it was intimate and caring and slightly off putting, she knew he was trying to make her comfortable, and also make her see sense, right at this moment she should have probably stopped and they both knew it. She refused.

"No!" was the only reply he got before she pressed her lips firmly against his and shifted them so she was on top. The tears hadn't quite subsided. And still she continued. Her fingers shook as they moved to his button and zipper, he was still quite firm despite the interruption and his obvious trepidation. "Mark move your hand" it was a command and not for him to remove it. So he didn't. Mark massaged her through her underwear, it was inevitable that such an intimate touch from a man or a woman would cause arousal. Soon he had moved away her panties so he had skin against skin. He smoothed his hand over the small cluster of hair, through her folds to her opening and back up to her clit. He rubbed her softly. He was aware that her actions had stopped, she had managed to remove his jeans and throw them to the ground, but that was as far as she had got.

His touch had stopped her going any further, she still had her jeans on and she had hit a new problem. She obviously knew the basic skills required to give him a hand job, but she was uncertain. With a woman she went on what she liked and developed her skills from there and she was very good at it. Arizona wasn't used to not being good at anything, she would be deluding herself if she believed she could cover up this blip and successfully touch Mark.

Mark quickly flipped her onto her back, shocking her out of her reverie. Without warning her jeans were off and flying passed her head followed by her panties. He plunged his fingers deep inside of her and massaged her walls. She clenched around his fingers at the intrusion. She wasn't expecting... well she was... but he had done it while she had been off guard and she took a moment to recover. Before she could get used to his fingers inside her he added another sensation by placing his thumb back over her clit. She was used to all these sensations, her body was reacting to the familiarity of an intimate touch, but this wasn't familiar, this was Mark, a man and what was she doing?

Again she was taken off guard. Mark had removed his hand and settled his head between her thighs. Any insecurities she had about Mark seeing her naked and exposed. Looking at her and being so close to where no other man had ever been were unable to be expressed. His tongue ran from her entrance to her nub, he circled and sucked like he did to all other women. Orally he was going to allow himself to forget who this woman was and just do what he was exceptionally good at. He entered one finger and then a second, all the while never ceasing his ministrations to her clit. As soon as he felt her contract around his fingers he eased up removed his mouth from her sensitive and now swollen nub but didn't stop his hands, he had to keep contact with her in order to ease her insecurities that he knew he would encounter once he reached back up her body.

"Ari... Arizona are you ok? Her breathing was laboured and her eyes were scrunched shut, she showed no signs of opening them. She nodded slowly. Mark let out a breath he had been holding and allowed his head to drop softly and only momentarily against her chest.

"Mark, please just do it." Just like when she had first spoken to him today it came out as a whimper. He would have argued, neither of their hearts were truly in it and they both believed they were doing this with best intentions.

Mark closed his eyes, he couldn't believe he was going to have sex with Arizona Robbins, and not in a positive way, everything about this seemed wrong. "Arizona if we are going to do this you need to open your eyes. I need to know you are ok, that I am not hurting you, that... please look at me"

She opened her eyes for him. They were completely glazed over. He could identify fear, uncertainty and something that encouraged him to continue. He kissed her forehead affectionately, he covered them over with the duvet, he felt the need for some kind of privacy, from what he wasn't sure but it comforted him and he hoped it comforted her. He leaned down for a more passionate kiss. He tried to convey trust and security in it, but he didn't know if she felt it. He positioned himself more comfortably in between her thighs and placed the tip of his penis at her entrance. He pulled back to look at her.

He pushed firmly into her. Her hands moved to clutch his upper arms. Her body shifted at the intrusion. It wasn't like his or anyone else's fingers and it wasn't like the vibrator her and her second girlfriend had experimented with. The penetration had definitely caused some friction to her long-untainted passage. He was bigger in length and width, he was rigid. And she needed to adjust.

He had watched her eyes slam shut and he had determined not to move any further just as she grasped his arms to stop him. Guilt flooded him, more than when he'd first witnessed her crying and discovering why she was upset. Before she had shut her eyes he had seen the look in them. The pain that he had just caused. He remembered back to his first time and his then conquest, whose first time it was also. Even then he hadn't felt this guilty.

Although he knew moving only a little would agitate their position he couldn't see an alternative. He moved his right hand up to cup Arizona's cheek. He pecked her lips and rested his forehead against hers. She didn't open her eyes but he watched a few tears escape the closed lids. No one had ever been this vulnerable with him and Arizona had never been this vulnerable with anyone. Of all the people why Mark? And yet she had chose him, she knew him, he knew Callie and despite her own dislike of this man, the only reason she could figure for choosing him was Callie's constant reassurances that he was a good person, that he had a heart and that he had grown.

"Ari, open your eyes... come on Arizona look at me please." He was pleading he knew it, but he was worried. Leaning to her hear "Come on sweetheart" she shook her head, "I need you to talk to me" still nothing. He had several choices; wait for her to talk or open her eyes, move and have sex with her, pullout and waited for her to talk, pull out and ring Callie.

"Arizona I really don't know what to do and yeah I can think of several things but my heart is leaning more to the one I am not sure either of us want..." nothing, "I'm going to ring Cal."

He moved out of her and he heard a sob, he moved from under the duvet making sure she was still covered as she curled into a tight childlike ball. Oh God what have we done. He moved to the phone and rang Callie, he told her it was urgent and that she needed to come down in his apartment.

Now all he could do was wait, he went back to the bedroom ran his fingers through Arizona's hair kissed the top of her head "Callie will be here really soon, you don't need to worry ok?"

* * *

**Well I had a thought and went with it :/ please don't be too harsh, it is a oneshot, though I would happily allow someone else to carry it on if they so wanted, not sure I actually have the time right now, maybe a one off sequel... but it would take some negotiation. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Still own nothing :) I really wasn't sure about updating and I really wouldn't be able to tell you if and/or when I would upload next :/ Sorry. Hope this is a good enough update for those of you who reviewed and asked for a continuation. Thank you. I really do appreciate the response I got from this. **

* * *

He soothed her like she were a child, she made no attempt to come from under the covers and he didn't fail to notice that whilst he made the call to Callie she had hidden herself more securely under them. All one could see were her blonde curls, she could be anyone, only Mark and she knew.

Mark didn't want to leave her, yes maybe she needed space but he wasn't as finely tuned to Arizona Robbins as he was to either Lexie or Callie, so he stayed. Resting against the back of the headboard he kept running his fingers through her hair. At first she had been shaking from sobbing or shock he wasn't sure but now her body has calmed slightly. The silence was eerie, all they could do was think, to feel guilt, sadness and unease because neither knew what Callie's reaction would be.

Could they compare this to what Callie and Mark had done once Arizona had left or would this be perceived as a greater betrayal? Mark sighed deeply, they both jumped when they heard the knock at the door. He was definitely procrastinating, he really should answer the door since he had called her but he really did not want to have to explain this, to see her reaction, to be on the receiving end of anything she may do.

Arizona jumped from the shock of the sound, all she wanted was everything to just stop, for the discomfort between her legs to ease, for the bile rising to be at bay. What she was unsure about was whether she wanted Callie to be the one to make all this better. They hadn't been on speaking terms, her Calliope had told her to go back to Malawi, their relationship was stationary. Anything Arizona could say or do had been attempted. She realised that she had been naive and selfish in coming to Mark and asking him for this, but she honestly thought it would be okay, that it would just be _different_, that she would walk away afterwards with a bit more knowledge about the great Mark Sloan. To be honest she had seen a whole different side to Mark, she could lie, he had the heart Callie had told her he had. She thought she could understand their friendship a little better and maybe the reason they had found comfort in each other after her departure.

She felt Mark move off the bed, he shut the door behind him and then she heard the front door open.' Flight or Fight, Flight or Fight, Flight or Fight' was what was being chanted in her mind. She really wasn't sure what was going to happen now, and that bile was definitely getting more pronounced.

* * *

"Mark!" yep Callie didn't look pleased, there was a mixture of worry and annoyance in her exclamation. But one look at his face and worry won the battle.

"Mark, what is the matter? You don't look good?"

He moved to allow her through his door, she didn't once look away from his face and she couldn't help but notice he was avoiding eye contact. Callie's heart was racing, she couldn't recall a time she had seen him looking so lost. He looked ill, guilty, shocked, and uncomfortable all at the same time. He looked up and nodded his head towards his bedroom door. Callie took the hint and walked over to it. Looking back over her shoulder she watched Mark slump onto the sofa shaking his head and grasping it firmly in his hands as his elbows settled onto his knees. Definitely cause for concern.

Callie felt the trepidation slowing her movements, she wanted, needed to go through this door but she couldn't pinpoint what was warning her from doing so. 'Really, what could be so bad' she thought to herself and in fact along with worry she was confused. Closing her eyes as she applied pressure to the door handle, she slipped into the room.

The curtains were closed, but they always were. Mark never so the sense in opening them when he would just have to close them again when he wanted to go to bed. The bedside light on Mark's side of the bed, threw a dim glow over the room, but that was it. Callie's eyes skimmed over the floor, her eyes fell on the boots at the bottom of the bed, but she shuck the though away, then her eyes trailed up the obvious source of Mark's emotions. There was a figure in his bed, 'not unusual for Mark' she thought and this was obviously the reason she had been called. Whoever it was not moving, she was worried and concerned, this on the whole seemed like a really bad situation, the only times Mark had called her before was to pretend to be his partner and scare which ever woman had satisfied him into leaving.

* * *

'Dammit!' her one chance to leave the bed and lock herself in the bathroom had passed. Arizona had thought Mark would talk to Callie, give her some clue as to what she was heading into, instead she had not even heard Mark's voice, just the opening and shutting of the door at the far end of the apartment and now the bedroom door.

The tears she had held back, threatened once again, 'shit!' she could not contain the tears or the sob that racked her body.

* * *

Callie moved over to the bed and then the woman moved. She had passed the discarded clothes across the bedroom and although all the items seemed to be familiar she ignored them and found herself hoping that it was merely because she had seen Lexie or some other woman in the hospital wearing them. She was not sure at what point it dawned on her, but the sob from the woman solidified any uncertainty she had.

Now it was both women who could feel the bile rising. Callie could feel her heart race all the more faster, surely this was not what she was thinking, that there was certainly another explanation for Arizona being in Mark's bed and she hoped against hope that she was so wrong and that she had misidentified the woman. The blonde curls however, told her otherwise.

Arizona failed to hold everything back after the first lapse, her whole body shook, between crying, pain, heat from the covers and Callie's presence in the room, she was beginning to panic, she was hyperventilating and was finding it exceedingly hard to calm herself. Callie swallowed and closed her eyes, her mouth was suddenly dry.

* * *

Arizona's return had shocked her, she had not expected to see her ever again, or at least for three years, she no longer had a girlfriend, lover, and best friend and the last month or so had be excruciating. Not once did she hear from the blonde. No phonecall, no letter, nothing. Despite herself Callie still had some hope, one little message saying she was alright would have sufficed but the nothingness and hurt had driven her to madness. Mark was her one constant, and the sex was just a release, a comforting release, for them both. So finding Arizona on her doorstep was admittedly a shock.

Slamming the door in her face had been from shock, the ignoring her had been from hurt, uncertainty and anger. The shouting and arguing had been a mixture of all of these and guilt. But telling Arizona about Mark was a tossup between revenge and the necessity that Arizona needed to know. At some point in Arizona's return Mark had attempted to help Callie understand what she was feeling. That Arizona had made her worse fears come true. And now in Mark's bedroom, Callie realised that by sleeping with Mark, Arizona's worse fear had come true. This did not however, explain the situation they had found themselves in.

* * *

Callie moved away from the bed. 'Flight or Fight, Flight or Fight, Flight or Fight.'

Arizona's sobbing echoed around the room, Mark had not moved from where he had settled and her could hear the pain and his heart constricted. He hadn't failed to notice that no one had spoke. There was no way Callie did not know who was in his bed and he was sure she would have came to some conclusion near the truth. He wanted to leave the apartment, but where was he to go? He only had his slouch pants on, no boxers, no shirt. He was limited his possibilities. And yet he didn't want to leave, he needed to know Arizona was ok and he was sure Callie would have something to say to him at some point, and if she couldn't find, he would be worse off in the end. So he stayed.

Nearing the door, she realised she could not leave, she could not escape that she shared some blame in this and currently her ex-girlfriend was breaking her heart. Callie moved to Mark's side of the bed which was her preferred side. Slipping off her shoes and jacket she lifted the covers and moved into a naked Arizona.

Arizona's breathing hitched causing her to struggle even more, she couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe and she needed to breathe. She started to fight against the covers, they were too claustrophobic, but she really didn't want Callie to look at her, she was ashamed at herself for the sex thing and for the weakness she was currently displaying. She kept trying and trying to relieve herself from the constraints she had put herself under, all she wanted was some air.

Callie had set out to soothe Arizona like when they were together, slotting her body around her, cocooning them together, she would have usually allowed her hand to draw patterns on her stomach and whispered calming words to her. The current state of her ex however, stopped her. She recognised that Arizona was panicking and she needed to calm her.

The more Arizona struggled the more knotted she seemed to find herself in the covers.

"Ari stop!" nothing. More struggling,

"Arizona!" nothing. More struggling.

"Arizona..." she needed to be forceful. Ripping the cover from both their bodies she grabbed her exes body, forcing her onto her knees, also kneeling Callie stayed behind her, she was torn between wanting to hold her and giving her space to breathe. Deciding on the former, she slotted her body securely behind Arizona's and placed her hands on her upper arms. Keeping Arizona's struggling body upright so her lungs could receive and release the necessary air was a fight. Despite the constrictions of keeping herself curled in a ball, which is all Arizona wanted to do. Callie kept talking to her, but it wasn't enough.

"Mark!"

He came racing into the room, stopping abruptly at the sight in front of him. He watched Callie move.

"Sit behind her!" he looked confused "now!"

Mark replaced Callie, so she could shift around to look at Arizona. Placing her hands on her knees and drawing comforting patterns she racked her brain for anything that she thought might comfort her ex. Singing. Arizona always liked her singing. Unfortunately the only song Callie could think of was bittersweet:

"Little piece of me you can't have  
And I know that it's driving you mad " Callie snorted at the irony, but carried on singing. Their eyes locked, Mark looked worried between the pair of them as Arizona's body shook and fought against his.

"There's a part inside you can't reach  
I'm afraid that's the way its gonna be  
There's a part of you that wants to fight  
But I never really had the appetite  
I fear my feelings won't speak  
the words will be taken upon the breeze  
the wind is always blowing "

She was calming, they all noticed it, she stopped fighting so hard, but her breathing remained laboured and struggling for a little while longer, as tears fell down her very pink cheeks.

"something missing from me  
that i'll never compete  
there the last ones complete  
pieces falling from me."

Mark had eased his grip on Arizona's arms the less she struggled, they were now moving soothingly up and down as he rocked her ever so slightly. Callie released a sigh of relief, still looking into Arizona's tormented eyes. Callie tilted her head slightly trying to hold their eye contact but Arizona lowered her head too far.

Signalling for Mark to move back from Arizona, Callie sat up and pulled Arizona's legs from under her, she wanted nothing more to hold her now and keep her calm. So she encouraged her to the edge of the bed, pulling her to straddle her lap and wrapped her in a hug they both needed. Callie felt Arizona hide her face into her shoulder while she placed a gentle kiss on Arizona's shoulder and looked over at Mark who looked bewildered on the far side of the bed.

For the first time their eyes met, Mark's portrayed so many emotions, the first was relief, but he was scared and guilt ridden. To him Callie looked calmed and relieved, there was no hate or demand for an explanation, just relief.

Deciding to give them space again he went to leave the room. It was only now he realised Arizona was still naked, Callie hadn't seemed to notice. He walked into his bathroom and pulled down his dressing gown. He slowly moved around the opposite side of the bed where the women were embracing on the floor. Sitting on the bed he tugged gently at one of Arizona's arms and persisted to put the dressing gown around her, once both arms were in he left the room.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Still own nothing**

**Just wanted to say thank you for the reviews people have been giving me. I am very much open to suggestions :) and thank you to GreysCalzonalover for beta(ing) my work. **

* * *

Placing Arizona back on Mark's bed had apparently been the wrong thing to do, in fact attempting to let go of her had been difficult.

"Arizona you need to let go" the only reply was a desperate shake of the blondes head.

"Sweetheart..." with a sigh Callie swept Arizona comfortably into her arms. With one arm around her back and the other under her legs, Callie sat on the edge of the bed and held her close.

"You need to lie down... we need to go to sleep... Mark needs to... to..." well this was uncomfortable, she should be angry, really angry at them both for this, what had they been thinking, but right now she was hurting, the woman she loved, the woman she had been fighting with for the last few weeks, was in her arms too scared to let go.

Callie couldn't think about what had possessed either of them to consider having sex, currently she wasn't aware of the full circumstances or how far this (what can only be described as an experiment) had gone, but she was worried about this woman and recalling Mark's expression made her chest tight.

She released another sigh, clutching Arizona to herself more securely she stood up and walked to the door, twisting the handle with someone in your arms proved quite difficult, but eventually determination won out. Stepping into the living room she watched Mark become more alert. He instantly rose to his feet reaching the front door before Callie did.

* * *

Resting his head against the back of the sofa his mind was swimming. Guilt, pain, confusion, trepidation, sadness, every bad feeling seemed to be going through his mind right now.

He was knocked from his self-tormenting by the rustling of his bedroom door, he watched his best friend step out with her ex wrapped in her arms with an obvious destination in mind. After hearing the first struggle he decided it would be easier and quicker to assist getting the women to their... now Arizona's apartment.

Opening each door for Callie he entered the bedroom, She slipped past him and he watched her attempt to settle Arizona into the bed. He too had noticed the lack of anger, but right now he could see her struggling with this, her face and eyes revealed more that he thought she wanted too.

"What do you need me to do?" He knew the answer could go both ways, either she would demand he leave or she would actually need him to do something. Arizona had remained relatively quiet up until she had nearly been released from Callie's arms. And right now she was fighting the release and she started to whimper again. His heart broke seeing the tear trickle down Callie's cheek; they had truly messed up, all of them. Something had to be done to rectify this.

He walked through to the bathroom and switched on the shower, he checked the temperature and walked back out. Moving around behind Callie, he checked each of her pockets for her phone and anything that shouldn't get wet. He thought about taking Arizona into his own arms, but everything was telling him she wouldn't like it. He watched Callie step out of her shoes, but wasn't going to just watch her attempt to remove her socks, he did it for her.

Standing back up in front of her, their eyes met. "I'm sorry" he whispered in Callie's ear and kissed her cheek tenderly, before leaning down to kiss Arizona's as well as sweeping some hair away from her face which was still flustered pink. "I'm going to get Arizona's things and you something to wear tonight, I'll leave them on the bed and make sure to lock the door on my way out."

Leaning down to kiss Arizona's cheek herself, she caught Mark's eye before he turned to leave, "Thank you" it almost caught in her throat, but it rasped out. He nodded and left. She took them through to the bathroom and kicked the door shut behind her.

* * *

She thought Callie was going to try and put her down again, instead they entered the shower cubical and let the hot water wash over them. Eventually she felt them sink down the wall to the shower floor. At first she thought she had started crying again or was on the verge of another panic attack, but she soon realised it wasn't her, the body she could feel shaking was her Calliope's.

Remaining in her ex lover's neck she whispered the same words over and over, "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry." Eventually crying again herself. She had been so worried... scared that Callie would be angry with herself and Mark she hadn't thought she would cry. Maybe eventually she would cry but not right now, not in a shower they had made love in countless times, not in each other's arms.

Being in a soaking wet dressing gown was not the best feeling against her skin, she wanted to remove it, but she suddenly had an awareness of her nudity underneath and although they had been naked together countless times, she was uncomfortable and embarrassed. Trying to recollect and finally remembering how she had came to being robed sent more discomfort her way. The evening's events came tumbling back to her two-fold.

Mark – sex – pain – panic- Callie – panic – comfort – warmth - scared – scared... it was too much and once again she was hyperventilating in Callie's arms. The dressing-gown was making her feel claustrophobic, Callie's arms were making her feel imprisoned.

* * *

Recognising the situation as a repetition of Arizona's earlier panic attack, Callie reacted quickly. Pushing Arizona's body away from her own and snug between her legs, she ripped the dressing gown from her body. She reached up to cool down the shower. It was currently too hot, but turning it down too low had the potential to send Arizona into shock and knocking it off completely had the potential to make them both ill, depending on how long it would take to calm her and get them both dried off.

"Calm down Ari!"

"Just breathe... in and out... that's all you need to do... in and out"

Callie found it discomforting not being able to see Arizona this time around, but they were together in familiar surroundings. And Arizona settled much quicker.

"That's right, just breathe through it Arizona."

"I'm sorry... so... so... sorry" she whimpered as her body fought against sobs and desperately for air.

"shhh... shhh. Sh... just calm down."

Arizona calmed and they just sat there. Arizona's bare back was flush again Callie's clothed front. It was her turn to realise how uncomfortable wet clothes were when they clung to your body.

"We need to get out of the shower." They were both exhausted; neither wanted to move but knew they had too. Arizona just nodded, allowing Callie to move her forward slightly allowing for room to get up. Worry flashed over her eyes as Callie exited the cubicle. But as soon as she left she came back, switched off the shower and held a towel open for Arizona to walk into.

Securing the towel she led them back into the bedroom. Callie watched Arizona look around herself warily before sitting on the side of the bed with a forlorn look on her face. Callie stripped out of the clothes she had on, dried herself and into the pyjamas Mark had left on the bed. All the while Arizona didn't move. With a quick glance around the room there were none of Arizona's sleep wear to be seen. Callie moved over to the dresser.

Pulling out an old top she had been missing, a smile slipped onto her face. Turning quickly she caught Arizona watching her, but she quickly lowered her gaze again. Picking out some loose bottoms, Callie shut the draw and knelt in front of her ex.

"We are going to put these on and get into bed... and just so you know, I have been wondering where this had gone for quite some time." She watched a small smile spread across the blonde's lips, not enough to encourage dimples but enough to reduce some worry. Finally Arizona made eye contact. Instead of talking, they kept the eye contact while Arizona dried off and Callie helped her into her pyjamas. She passed Arizona a bobble and the both tied up their still wet hair.

Turning down the cover the pair got into their usual sides. It felt like any other time, they had their routine and they were sticking to it. However, Callie wouldn't allow Arizona to turn away from her. For now, she wanted to look at her a little longer. She was exhausted from the emotions and the struggling Arizona had put up, she could only guess at Arizona's tiredness.

Cupping Arizona's cheek as the blonde once again attempted to turn onto her other side she spoke "Don't turn away from me... please"

"I can't... I don't... I... What have I done!" Arizona fumbled over her words as her eyes glazed over for the multiple time today.

They were not going to have a decent conversation tonight, they weren't going to get much sleep either. Arizona would calm down and snuggle into Callie but after 10, 20 minutes she would start crying again.

Callie would always hold her tighter when she felt the blonde's body shake against her chest, the only thing she was grateful for was that Arizona could not see her crying too. It broke her heart to see the love of her life's heart breaking, for the guilt she was no doubt feeling and anything else that comes from propositioning a man to have sex with you, only for it to fail so badly. They definitely needed to talk, Callie needed to know what had actually happened. Her imagination was doing her no good.

* * *

Eventually they fell asleep, at a guess they'd had no more than 3 hours before the sun shone through the window; neither of them had thought to shut the curtains. It was not a priority when they got into bed, but now they both wished that darkness could surround them for a little while longer. Both hoping against hope the other wasn't awake. With morning came talking and they were sure this would cause pain.

Arizona slipped from the bed after untangling herself from her ex. Everything felt heavy, her body, her eyes, her mind. She was tired, scared, traumatised. She didn't want to talk it out with Callie or anyone. To be completely honest, yesterday seemed like a good idea, Mark and sex seemed like a good plan. But right now she could not think of what possessed her to do it. She felt ashamed of herself, for the pain she was going to put Callie through, for the guilt Mark had felt yesterday and probably for some time to come and for doing the one thing she had praised herself for not doing; sleeping with a man.

All reasoning that was there yesterday was gone today.

She sighed and watched the bedroom door open revealing the beautiful woman she was in love with, who she had wanted a family with... her shoulders sagged...who she had left in a crowded airport pleading for her to stay. Neither could summon up the courage to smile, apparently Callie had just as much of the world weighing her down as she did.

Sliding a mug of coffee over the breakfast bar they avoided eye contact. Callie shifted herself onto the stool, her elbows propping up her head and her eyes fixed on the coffee in front of her. Arizona moved around the counter and sat on the second stool facing Callie.

Placing one hand on the elbow closest to her, she encouraged Callie's body to turn with the added assistance of her other hand on Callie's left thigh. Soon enough, maybe too soon they were facing each other, looking into each other so deeply it was uncomfortable, Arizona was trying to gauge Callie's mood, while Callie searched for some kind of answer.

It was Arizona who dropped the gaze first. She shifted down, back onto the floor, making her way between Callie's thighs so their upper bodies melted together as she cupped the back of Callie's neck with one hand and her back with the other. She whispered in her ear and snuggled into her neck. She felt Callie's arms embrace her tightly.

"We are going to talk, but not right now. Right now this is enough"


	4. Chapter 4

So I will admit and I am sure you are now very much aware, I am not an awesome updater. Goodness knows when the next one will be... I do however finish Uni at he end of next month so I think we should all cross our fingers. To be honest this has only been completed because I am avoiding my two assignments which both weight heavily for my final result and at least my Dissertation is looking healthy :). Just needs editted and a conclusion added :D.

Anyways, T. I really appreciate the continued reading and only hope I am still able to give people a good read.

Thank you X

* * *

"I have called you in sick and I told them I will go in for rounds, but all my surgeries are to be pushed to tomorrow so I can come home and look after you, ok?"

Arizona nodded, "What about Mark?"

"What about him?" Callie asked with a confused look. Her tone was neither spiteful nor concerned.

"Well... he was a part of this too... Is he going to work?"

"I don't know - probably" Callie shrugged, "I think we need to go over this first don't you? I am sure Mark is upset and more likely scared of seeing me anytime soon... I'll talk to him once we've..."

Arizona nodded again, she knew if Calliope had finished the sentence with "talked" or any word of the kind, one or both of them would have freaked out. Needing to "talk" always meant something serious and probably heavy and yeah, in this case it was both serious and heavy, they both felt inclined to let it flow.

"I'll be back for lunch." Callie said over her shoulder whilst heading for her things by the front door.

"ok. I'll make us something." Came Arizona's little to cheerful voice.

This gained the response of Callie's raised eyebrows. "Food poisoning won't get you out of this, I'll pick us something up on the way back." Callie grinned. Arizona sighed.

She was in for several hours of her own thoughts. She was currently feeling a little nauseous. She didn't want to go over the night before, sure all her reasons remained the same, they just seemed a little naive and lame in hindsight. Poor Mark. Arizona was torn between humiliated and broken for them both. No doubt a chat with Mark himself wouldn't be too far off. She would have to apologise. How was she ever going to look at him again.

She tried to shake the thoughts from her mind. She needed to distract herself, she needed work. So for the next few hours Arizona threw herself into a research project she had been working on. Children. Illness. Cure.

* * *

Usually trying to distract one's self was hard work, Arizona however jumped, drawing a heavy pen line across her notes. She looked around trying to figure out the source of her disruption realising it had been the key opening the front door and it shutting soon after.

Yep now she was a mixture of emotions: panic, nervousness, trepidation, and relief of sorts. She knew what was for lunch before she saw Callie or the food bags. Callie had obviously been shopping, knowing Arizona didn't do it often and she had only been back in the apartment a few weeks. She has also picked up a pizza from their favourite place.

Lifting the bags onto the counter Callie decided everything bar the milk would wait, she poured them each a glass before putting the rest of the bottle in the fridge. She watched Arizona tidy away whatever she had been working on as she placed the milks on the coffee table and going back for the pizza.

Now there was a dilemma. Did she sit on the opposite sofa? The same sofa but at the opposite end? Or sit right next to Arizona so they could touch if they wanted or not if they didn't?

Arizona had so far kept her gaze down... at Callie's hesitation she found the courage to look up. One look into Arizona's eyes Callie settled in next to her, no room for escape for either of them.

They ate in relative silence. The intensity of the situation and the talking they were about to go into was one really big dauntingly grey cloud. Arizona picked up their milks and handed one to Callie. She gave a small smile taking the glass to her lips. Callie giggled at Arizona's white moustache and moved to brush it away with her thumb.

The familiarity of the touch made them both freeze. Callie took a deep breath and followed through with the action. "Ready?" Her heart felt heavy just preparing herself, but the look that washed over the blondes expression was a lead weight. Nevertheless her ex nodded.

Arizona turned leaning back into the sofa and placing her head on the back of it. She couldn't look at her Calliope while explaining herself and she figured tilting her head upwards would stem the tears for a bit longer than if she were sat normally.

"I don't know what to tell you..." it was little more than a whisper.

Callie turned on the sofa. Legs tucked under herself and her right arm across the back of the sofa in a way that her hands _could_ run through Arizona's hair. She wanted contact, but flesh on flesh would feel too much.

"The truth?"

Arizona gave her a sideways glance as if to say, 'yeah I am going to lie about something this important'. Callie just kept her gaze. Damn it, Callie! She wanted so much to keep looking into Callie's gaze, to get lost in it, but the emotions running through her, the guilt made her look away.

"Curiosity?" another quick glance and nope that wasn't a good enough explanation. Callie's raised eyebrows said it all. One big inhale then exhale...

She sounded so quiet and small that the first sentence brought tears to Callie's eyes. "You weren't talking to me, I'd tried apologising, I allowed Mark to tell me my faults and I ripped myself apart for you to see _me_. The me who couldn't bear to be away from you for more than a month. The me that came back because I was stupid enough to leave in the first place. The me that regretted ever leaving you. The me who broke my heart every night I was away from you, who had nightmares _every_ night I wasn't and still am not in your arms. The me who never stopped loving you and desperately hoped you would forgive me and tell me you loved me too..." Her voice had got raspier the more she spoke and by the end only vulnerability shone through.

Tears. One lone tear slipped down from her right eye. It just happened to be the only side Callie was privy to from where she was leaning against the couch. At this one tear, Callie's, which had so far been pooling, broke free, but silent.

"I thought I was heartbroken just because I wasn't with you. But then I came back and you were with me, I mean I could see you and hear you, but you wouldn't take me back...b...but nothing compares to my worst fear, my greatest fear involving you. I always feared you would want to go back to men, that I wasn't good enough for _you_. Mark, your best friend; a man to whom women flock in the hundreds because he is that good. My biggest insecurity and now my biggest heartbreak is that you not only slept with some else, you slept with Mark... I know (her voice caught in a sob)... I know we were over, but I wasn't in Africa getting over you by jumping into bed with someone else... I was miserable Callie and now I would take that instead of this more than anything..."

Arizona lost her battle with her tears. Now they just kept falling. She didn't think it was possible but yesterday's meltdown did not compare to this one.

She had brought herself forward on the couch, holding her head in her hands. She tried pressing the tips of her fingers to her eyes to stem the flow, but it was no use. Callie remained silent. She was watching the love of her life once again, in less than 24 hours break down. Sure she had plenty to say, but she wanted all the answers first.

To be honest she hadn't known the extent of Arizona's insecurities of her and her and Mark. The newborn comment at the very beginning was about being an experiment. Callie had taken this as experimenting in the skills etc of being with a woman. But now she thought about it... it seemed to be about being with a woman in comparison to being with a man. That a newborn would have a quick lay and go back to being with men.

Callie had experimented and yeah it was about comparing, but she it never crossed her mind to go back to men, to go back to Mark.

"You told me you slept with Mark!... I thought the fact that you wouldn't take me back there and then was about hurting me, making me suffer, even though I had done that enough and then some more. But telling me about Mark, I wasn't a hundred percent certain as to whether you were telling the truth or you knew that _that_ was what I was most insecure about. I prayed for the latter, but you left it at that and I knew... I knew you were telling the truth."

Taking in a deep breath, Arizona managed to get some semblance of being 'together' once again. The tears never stopped but she was able to speak more clearly.

"Being with Mark was supposed to be an experiment... an insight into why you or anyone would sleep with and keep going back to Mark. I realise that it was stupid. I knew it before, during and after. But whether you would take me back or not was no longer the issue. My fear was... _I_... _I_... couldn't be with you again not _knowing_. Feeling insecure and you obviously not acting on it was manageable, but knowing it was now and probably always will be a possibility and actuality. I couldn't do that to myself."

Arizona only now took a moment to look up at her ex, at her Calliope. Her cheeks were glistening and for a moment Arizona just watched as the tears kept falling and falling down those beautiful tanned cheeks.

"I thought if we were to get back together and fall out or even break up again, knowing you would be in his bed, knowing I would go through the same pain again was an unbearable thought. But not being with you ever again was even worse. So, after days of not talking to you, emotions, lack of sleep, pure irrationality and self destruct... (she shook her head) it seemed logical. There's not much more to it than, at the time it seemed logical. I mean I even persuaded Mark that it was a good idea." She let out a short snort at how she had managed to talk Mark around.

"And we both know he isn't that desperate for sex that he would sleep with his best friend's ex lesbian lover just to get laid. So please... please don't be too hard on him. I think I shocked and scared him into doing it. He wanted me to let one of you explain why you'd done it. But I told him he could explain afterwards because it wasn't going to change what I was asking him for."

Arizona kept throwing glances back over her right shoulder to look at Callie. Sure they had both been tense at the beginning but Callie had managed to make herself look remotely relaxed. But now she had shifted positions; sat curled up, her legs tucked to her chest and her arms folded across her knees. There was no arm across the back of the couch or any signs that there would be any physical contact. This time it was Arizona who made herself more open. She leant her right side into the couch so she was facing Callie, her legs were tucked under her and her right arm and hand were propping her head up. Her left arm was free in case she felt the need to touch her ex or if Callie looked liked she needed the contact.

"Callie, look at me please"

There was no hesitation on Callie's part like Arizona expected. She thought she would have to coax her into making eye contact.

"This is not Mark's fault okay. He just wanted to help." Breaking eye contact briefly to look to the window and then back again. Callie's gaze hadn't shifted. "He was... gentle... and loving... and patient" For the life of her she didn't want to go into details and watching Callie she hoped she didn't want in depth details either.

"we'd just... he's just...(she sighed) it was uncomfortable, it felt wrong and I just..." She choked on her words remembering the moment, the sensation that she wouldn't forget for a very very long time. Her words now came out with intermittent sobs "I couldn't go through with it and... and he knew what I needed... I needed you... I didn't ask for you, he told me he was calling you and I've never been more scared in my life."

Callie had uncurled herself and now mirroring Arizona's position. They were making themselves more available to the other. Yet neither one could bring themselves to make the first contact.

"Before you walked through the door I contemplated running for it... obviously the only place would have been to the bathroom. I though you or Mark would have said something and I would have been able to gauge your mood. But neither of you spoke... and you came in... and you hesitated, I knew you weren't expecting it to be me, but I knew it would take you seconds to work it out." Her emotions were fraught, the relief from the night before and even now made way for only more tears "you didn't shout or yell... you just... you..."

"I held you."

Arizona just nodded through more sobs. These were Callie's first words since the 'talk' had started. The only emotions that came with these 3 words were love and sadness.

Barely more than a whisper... "Will you hold me now?" There was no hesitation, one nod of Callie's head and Arizona all but dove into her arms. Callie let her emotions run free. Sure she had been crying the whole time but it was only now that Callie allowed sound to accompany her tears. Each of their sobs vibrated through the others body, there was no gap between them. Their bodies melted together perfectly.

* * *

Hope that was okay for everyone... I am thinking Callie's POV next?

P.S. I loved the musical, I wish they had played out the full Universe and U and I really didn't get the dream sequence... 'Is this what love feels like?' Seriously? She is actually asking that question? I feel as though both women have been taken out of character... they can still grow as individuals and a couple, but where is the intimacy? the perkiness? I love you? Maybe in the last eps and next season they can get them back on track...:/. Rant over :D


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay so a kinda deal and a kinda promise has me writing a new chapter after months without any. It would appear that the last couple of months of uni is intense and 'coming out' to your family is a barrel of laughs. Also the economy is crap and I spent month's job hunting. I am leaving these excuses along with zero inspiration for my lack of update.**

**Good news is I got a 2:1, I graduated and I got published in the OUP: Notes and Queries Journal for an error that has never been discovered before. According to my Head of Department I am the first student in his 28 year career to ever be published ;). Honestly you just need to be a maths geek in a class full of people who have an aversion to it and you sound super intelligent. Apparently English Lit and Maths don't go :/.**

**I have said once today already that I dislike unfinished stories and that would make me a hypocrite if I didn't finish my own so I am going to attempt to get this finished really soon with another couple of chapters. I apologise for making you wait so long. I am this is good enough.**

* * *

**Calliope's POV**

I didn't know I had hurt her this much. Enough to drive her into another person's arms...bed. A man's bed... Mark's bed. Of all my fears and insecurities this one passed me by. It never once came into my thoughts, why would it? I know I have nothing to fear because nothing like this will ever happen again, but it certainly has helped me see her side of things. My god it hurts. It feels like I have been shot twice. No, maybe multiple times. Every time someone speaks or a new thought comes my way, a whole new lot of pain comes my way and I don't know which blow hurts the most.

My girlfriend leaves me in an airport for Africa. I have sex with my best friend and think about said girlfriend the entire time. Said girlfriend...now ex girlfriend comes back and apologises. I watch said ex girlfriend tear herself away to her core for me all the while I have this guilt niggling away at me. I tell her about the sex and I don't know why. For me or for her. Either way I watch said ex girlfriend all but disintegrate into a hollow being. I do not see said ex girlfriend for three days and the next time I do, she is in my best friend's bed naked. I watch her break down another 3 times, I help her through 2 panic attacks and I sit and listen to her side of her heartbreak. She gives me an insight I could not achieve on my own. An insight that hurts me to hear but must be heard. She is the love of my life and I have done this to her. I have ignored her insecurities time and again. I took her biggest insecurity and handed it to her in our workplace, mid shift. I do not know whether I told her to help myself or to help her. But now I know it has done neither. I have broken the strongest woman I know, I have turned my gold star ex into someone I don't recognise and who doesn't recognise herself.

Those 3 days I neither saw nor heard anything from her, I believed she had stopped her quest to get me back because she was disgusted by me like I was. That she had chosen to move on with her life without the woman who jumped into bed with another person days after she had got on a plane. I cannot tell you whether I wanted her to walk away or accept my mistake; I can tell you that I missed her those 3 days when she didn't pop up out of nowhere. Instead she spent 3 days being eaten alive by me confession. If I had truly paid attention to her that day I am sure I would have seen the affect of my words. Instead I was so relieved to get it out in the open, to allow her time to decide whether she could forgive me or not, that I didn't see or hear her crumble. I think I forgave her the first day she appeared on my door step...

Maybe if I had taken the time to tell her I had forgiven her as well as that I had slept with Mark, this wouldn't have happened. In my head I had forgiven my Arizona. Why had I not vocalised it? Maybe I thought I had but now I know for sure I did not. And I omitted the fact that during mine and Mark's encounter I had thought solely of her. Would it have made a difference?

* * *

"I forgave you the day you arrived on my doorstep. I told you about Mark because I wanted _your_ forgiveness. I didn't know it would lead to this Arizona. I am so so sorry I hurt you this much. I feel... I feel like I have lost you more now than when you got on that plane" My voice caught in my throat when she jerked from my arms to look at me. Eyes wide in shock. My heart plummeted. She thinks I am judging her. I can see in her face that she thinks I am pitying her and disgusted by her at the same time.

"Arizona! No!"

She is quick to move from my embrace, to hide herself away in her bedroom and never face anyone again. But she is not quick enough. Physical and emotional exhaustion have slowed her reflexes and she doesn't even get up from the couch before I have pinned her below me. My darling girl. She fights _so_ hard to get away from me. Yesterday's heartbreak is nothing compared to this for either of us. Her cries are gut wrenching. I have just ruined her. I have told her she is not who I thought she was. I have put a question mark over her gold star rating. I have put every inch of her being into question and she thinks I am judging her for being in pain. For being vulnerable and scared. She thinks I am disgusted by her.

The fact that she cannot escape me physically right now destroys her more. I have made her feel weak and less of a woman and my god I need to rectify this. She tries once again to escape from me. She fails. To hide her face and tears from me. She fails. She goes limp. There is no fight and I know she is beyond broken. Is she beyond being fixed?

"No Arizona! Don't do this to me!"

"Open your eyes!"

"Dammit Arizona listen to me! I know how that sounded, I know... I can imagine what you are thinking right now, but, No!"

"You. Are. My. Everything. You are perfect to me. You have done nothing, _nothing_ wrong. My sweet darling girl. Please come back to me." No reaction and I sob openly over her. "please?" I can no longer pin her arms down and hold myself up. My arms collapse and I bury my face into her neck. After some time I hold myself back up. Tears are forever falling down my face and they land on her still chest. She looks peaceful if you excuse the blotchy, damp cheeks. But she is not asleep, she is not peaceful. She is empty.

"When I said what I said I simply meant... _I_ have lost you. Nothing more. I have pushed you too far and hurt you so much especially in these last days. This is my fault and I can feel you slipping away. With Africa I lost you because I stayed here. We were on opposite sides of the world I had physically lost you. But now. Here. I have lost you all over again. I have hurt you beyond words, I have pushed you to do things you would have never have done. And I love you. I really _really_ love you but how can you forgive me for this? I have made you question everything about yourself. You have stripped yourself bare for a woman who does not deserve you._ I_. Don't. Deserve. You. Arizona. And you don't deserve me. You need to go and find someone worthy of you and hold onto them, okay? I want to fix what I have broken but everything I say comes out wrong or I don't say the important things."

I move off of her. I don't want to leave but if I stay I will surely keep hurting her. Those words. My own words. It sounded like I told her she had lost herself. That she wasn't the woman she was 3 days ago or even a week ago. That I no longer loved her because I had seen her bare and open.

Arizona doesn't trust easily, she doesn't admit her mistakes easily and she would never question her sexuality. But she trusted me and somewhere along the way she had trusted Mark. We have simultaneously thrown her trust back in her face and abandoned her. Or that is what my actions and current words have led her to believe.

"I am going to make you something to eat. Then I am going to leave. If you need _anything _please call. I am going to do everything I can to not hurt you again. I don't know what to do for you anymore Arizona. I don't want to leave you. I don't...can't imagine you would want Mark to comfort you and even less Teddy. Can you tell me what I can do for you?

Silence.

I go about making some soup. It can last for a few days in a pan and be frozen. At least this way I know she won't starve. For the duration I do not see her move. I have placed a water beside the sofa. Nothing. At different intervals I offer her a cup of tea... hot chocolate... orange juice... apple juice. The amount of full, untouched cups and glasses now on the coffee table is ridiculous. Somewhere along the way I have some inspiration. I will write my everything down on a piece of paper. Maybe this will allow me to express myself more thoroughly and accurately. I can't bring myself to leave.

* * *

I sit down on the opposite sofa with my pen and paper and I write.

She sleeps.

She went over sometime before my last beverage offer and the completion of the soup. I hope I can complete this before she wakes up but no such look. I take a moment to contemplate my next sentence. My eyes wander my old apartment and land on my darling girl. In her sleep she had shifted so she was lying on her left side looking out into the room. Well looking at me. I sat on the side of the sofa opposite where her head was resting. Now she lay with her eyes open watching me. I can't look away and neither can she.

Her weary voice fills the silence. "What are you doing?" It is not accusatory. She isn't demanding an explanation for my presence considering I had told her I would leave. "I am writing a letter. For you. I thought maybe this way I can tell you everything I need to and not omit anything."

I go back to writing.

Silence

"Can...may I have some paper and a pen?" Her eyes are fixed on me once again. I tilt my head to the right and watch her momentarily. I collect a new pad of paper and pen and pass them to her. She sits up slowly and position herself so she can comfortably write.

Silence

"I don't want anyone else." Her voice is quiet. Everything we are doing or not doing comes to a grinding holt. "I love you too... Please don't leave me alone"

I can only nod and whisper "Okay". I go back to writing my letter as does she. But not before I move back onto her sofa. I position myself so I am facing her. I had a great vantage point on the opposite sofa and I am not willing to lose it. She too turns her body into the sofa. She may be unwilling to reach out for contact but I am not. I release my right leg from its bent position alongside my left which had previously been propping up my letter. I reached it out and allow my foot to settle along her left hip. When her note pad is balanced sufficiently on her bent legs using her thighs for a desk and she is able to write without holding the pad in place with her left hand. She moves it to clasp my ankle.

We continue to write.

* * *

**I am hoping the doesn't sound like a pile of old twoddle. I know what I wanted to write and I hope it came across as I wished. Thanks for reading :D**


End file.
